Hemog[L0]
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Post by Hemog[L0] on Jan 15, 2013 1:16:38 GMT -5
Well, seeing as we never hear from Emmy in the first 3 games and 4-6 are prequels, I was assuming that Emmy either leaves to go do whatever... ...Or my personal theory is that she works for Bronev. She's a bit TOO competent if that makes any sense. Look at Bloom, for instance. Besides, Layton is still pining for Claire in the third game so clearly nothing happened. Unless the second movies takes place after UF but I don't know much about that. And seriously, that spinoff or whatever the fuck it is with Layton having a son? I cannot fathom that AT ALL and the thought of him having a kid just makes me want to go break something. He's... what, around 40 by the end of UF and clearly still messed up over Claire. Fuck everything, that spinoff makes me so pissed that I'm gonna stop talking about it from now on and add it to my "Does not exist" category with AA4.
This always happens to my favorite series. They have to go fuck it up somehow. Hell, I may not even get AA5 because of it. Between my hate for AA4 and just general faggotries that would take too long to explain properly, I just got sick of the series. But yeah, I'll be in the Layton thread if you wanna ramble. I'm kinda itching for a conversation to be honest.
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Hemog[L0]
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Post by Hemog[L0] on Jan 21, 2013 3:34:06 GMT -5
HAHAHAHAHA
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Post by Lulmega[L1] on Jan 22, 2013 0:02:17 GMT -5
WHERE IS EVERYBODY
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Bwar
Disciple of Gant
hittheguywithglasses
Posts: 2,920
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Post by Bwar on Jan 22, 2013 20:17:36 GMT -5
SLOWLY DYING UNDER A PILE OF WORK
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Post by cinnabon on Jan 22, 2013 22:37:17 GMT -5
MY EYES
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Hemog[L0]
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Post by Hemog[L0] on Feb 1, 2013 7:55:59 GMT -5
>You will never have Canderbro help shoot up your first companion's son while you slice him up at school. Feels bad man.
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Hemog[L0]
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Post by Hemog[L0] on Feb 3, 2013 15:07:39 GMT -5
One day as I was nursing a splitting headache and a broken heart at a tavern in a small forested village of Oakbrook outside the city of Solace, an aged warrior took a seat next to me and asked for his usual from the innkeeper. Were it not for the shining copper crest of Pelor attached to the white sash the gentleman wore I would have paid him no mind. Being of similar faith though obviously different backgrounds, my curiosity got the best of me.
A couple hours passed as our conversation continued. Over the course of our discussion, he informed me that he was now a simple retired old man who at one point in his long life might have been called Dairus Dawnrain, Paladin of the Sun. Now he simply spent his days tending a small garden at the home he had shared with his departed wife for 53 years.
We talked talked about his order, all the battles he had seen, the evils he had snuffed out, and the glories that he had bared witness to. He told me that as a Paladin he had seen his fair share of corruption in the laws of man, and through it all it reaffirmed in him what it meant to be called a Paladin. Faith, conviction, and Justice for the innocent. Laws were written by man, and to follow the laws of man over the Law of the divines was to fall short within his role. The gods were not so blind and dim as to rob a faithful chosen of their gift to him simply because he chose what was the true right, and not what man claimed it to be. "Kings and parliaments have the protection of hundreds of men, while those below them have no one. On the word of those same kings, those men who claim to protect and guide the common man, the guards and soldiers will turn their backs on the innocent."
I sat there taking in his words, enraptured at the truth this weathered man spoke before me. He continued: " I followed the true law, the Law set forth by the divines above, not the law of kings. Ever since I was called upon in my dreams by Pelor himself, I have been there for the innocents. For the people who believed they had no one there to truly protect them from the corruption of those lorded over them."
"To protect and keep safe those who would suffer from the corrupted actions of others, be they king or bandit. That lad, is why I answered the call to become a Paladin".
I thanked my companion of the afternoon for his words, guaranteeing him that I would carry them with me throughout my own days. As I turned to leave, I could not help but ask what might seem like a silly question to some, consider the strong fire that now raged in my own soul from hearing him speak. "Sir Dairus I have to ask a question that has plagued me since childhood. Why is it that some who call themselves Paladins choose to wield hammers and maces, and not a sharpened blade?"
The old man let out a small laugh as he removed the aged hammer from the leather loop attached to his belt, gazing at it as if years of memories came flooding back. "Because lad", he said.
"You can't help rebuild an orphanage with a sword".
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Hemog[L0]
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Post by Hemog[L0] on Feb 3, 2013 15:08:33 GMT -5
This can't be the Titanic, it didn't sink this fast when it hit the iceberg, it's more like they saw the iceberg coming & blew the ship up the prevent the iceberg from killing it.
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Hemog[L0]
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Post by Hemog[L0] on Feb 3, 2013 15:10:37 GMT -5
>Kinect display at London Drugs >game picks up my movements as I'm talking to a clerk >it somehow navigates to New Game >watch as characters drown while the game tries to interpret me standing with my arms folded >character's arms spazz out, clip through the ribcage and out his back as this submarine fills with water and he drowns
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Hemog[L0]
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Post by Hemog[L0] on Feb 3, 2013 15:11:47 GMT -5
Hey, remember this?
Hey bro just wanting to tell you this very deep and uplifting fact that PoK is very much a homosexual no matter how much he denies it he knows it be true because you see I was browsing Mario forums and then he called my house phone all crying because he was 5 and said he was homosexual and all the big mean straight kids would beat him up for hours at an end. And you see this isn't the end because he came over to my house and tried to seduce me so I picked up the nearest fork and stabbed him in the eye with it and he fell over screaming "AAUUUGGGHHH, WHY DID I DIE BEFORE I GOT TO WIPE MY ASS THIS MORNING BECAUSE YOU SEE I TOOK THIS REALLY BIG DUMP IN THE MORNING BECAUSE I HAD DIARRHEA AND THEN I HAD CONSTIPATION AT THE SAME TIME SO IT TOOK HOURS FOR ME TO TAKE A DUMP BUT IT WAS REALLY MUSHY AND FLUID SO IT WAS EASY AT THE SAME TIME. SO THEN YOU SEE AFTER THIS I WAS WATCHING THE GOLDEN GIRLS AND THEN THE NEWS CAME ON AND SAID BRUCE WILLIS DIED AND I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT FIVE HOURS AND THEN I FAPPED WHEN I WOKE UP AND JIZZED ALL OVER THE BLANKETS AND THAT IS WHY MY WOUNDS ARE COVERED IN JIZZ, OH AND I AM DYING BYE." and then he died and then I celebrated and then it was fun and then I went out and drew pictures with Batman and the end.
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Hemog[L0]
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Post by Hemog[L0] on Feb 3, 2013 15:13:54 GMT -5
Original ad: I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks! From Me to ************@comcast.net
Good afternoon.
My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.
If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.
Sincerely,
Mike Partlow
From Kate ******** to Me
Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),
I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.
Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?
- Kate
From Me to Kate ********
Kate,
You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.
A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.
I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.
My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.
Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.
Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.
Let me know,
Mike Partlow
From Kate ******** to Me
This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...
Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.
From Me to Kate ********
Kate,
Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.
My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.
Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.
From Kate ******** to Me
Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.
(later, from another e-mail account)
From Nick Walken to Kate **********
Dear Kate,
I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.
When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.
You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.
If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.
Nick
From Kate ******** to Me
what in the hell...
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Post by cinnabon on Feb 13, 2013 21:03:53 GMT -5
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